Updated: Apr 27, 2022
I feel like I spend my life in two very distinct ways. The first being me trying to figure out if I am actually crazy, and the second trying to hide the fact that I’m crazy after I’ve just convinced myself that I truly am crazy. It’s exhausting and no one knows how empty and lonely that life is, but it’s hard to convince yourself that there’s nothing wrong with you when you see the world in a completely different way than the people around you.
Having mental illnesses like anxiety, depression, PTSD, etc., already make life hard but what people don’t see is the constant second guessing that person does. You question every comment a person makes towards you and overanalyze everything. The stigma surrounding mental illness alone is enough to make someone believe they’re crazy- even though the opinions surrounding mental illness are usually wrong and judgmental. You fear opening up to friends and family because you don’t know how they will react. You fear that they will see you in a different light and will never treat you the same, so instead of asking for help, you sit and wallow in your own mess of mental illnesses until you don’t know how to feel or think anymore.
Eventually you get to the point where you really do feel crazy and you don’t even know how you got the that point. A part of you feels like you can’t be crazy, but then something happens, and you go so far the other way that you can’t believe you were even considering the fact that you weren’t crazy. It’s so hard to get to the point where you trust yourself and your decisions. When you have convinced yourself that you’re crazy you no longer trust yourself or anyone around you. It’s such a lonely life when you want to ask someone if there’s something wrong with you, but you get so worried about even asking a stupid question like that because it would just prove something was wrong with you. Your life becomes one giant conundrum! So, what do you do? Do you embrace the crazy or hide it; or do you try and make yourself believe that everyone else is crazy and you are actually the sane one? Now that would really be crazy.
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